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There has been much criticism of late - especially from right wingers - of multiculturalism. We don't see the problem. It's easy to work it out. We simply describe people's colour as either black or white. Anyone above Pantone 139 is black and everyone else is white. Of course if you found someone that was black you would probably take them to the nearest doctor; the same goes if they were white.  Yes, it is very "us and them" and divisive, but it just makes life easier for us. This way we don't need to worry about people's culture and background: we just want to know what team they are on.  Anyway, we are not interested in their culture because to describe the culture of a "people" is to stereotype them, and this is forbidden. The only stereotype we will allow is that black people can dance and white people can't.

And there are Asians of course. They can be either black or white, depending on their Pantone number. We have an Asian radio station. This caters for people from Asia. The fact that hardly anyone considers themselves as Asian or black or white is not the point. We have an Asian radio station and people will just have to think of themselves as Asian. Darker skinned people will just have to get used to being called black and lighter skinned people will have to get used to being called white. Why can't people accept the identities that we give them and learn their Pantone numbers?

1. People say we are anti-white. We are not. We are anti- white middle class.

2. The fact that the culture of people that have come to the UK is, in many cases, alien to the British way of life is to be ignored. The fact that many ethnic groups have a whole different set of values to the British should be ignored. The fact that many communities that have come to the UK value strength above fairness, and most British have the opposite view is to be ignored. The fact that our climate can produce illness for many people who are descended from hotter climates is to be ignored.

3. Although we know there is a disproportionate amount of crime amongst ethnic minorities, ignore it as it may go away.

4. The fact that people from totally different cultures from all parts of the world can't possibly be expected to dump their heritage and culture and integrate is to be ignored. The fact that, as they cannot integrate our society will be fragmented, is to be ignored.

5. BBB is a multicultural organisation. We have black people, white people and Asian. Most of the black and Asian people work in children's' television and most of the white people do the other stuff.

6. A token ethnic minority person must appear in every camera shot on BBB television, even if you have to borrow one from CBeebies.

7. We welcome and encourage ethnic minorities onto our airwaves. We do, however, prefer to portray them rather than have them speak for and represent themselves. We know what they want. It's for their own good. They just need to read the script. They will thank us in the end.

8. We do not like stereotypes, even though to stereotype is part of the human condition. We don't want people to be too human. We would rather they think in a certain way - the BBB way. If this means suppressing human tendencies then so be it.. Remember we are BBB: Big Biased Broadcasting. So, although Austrians and Germans like to be disciplined and ordered, Ghanaians are friendly, peace loving and lazy, Ukrainians are patient and loud, the French are shy, arrogant and proud, the Swiss are punctual and intolerant and Caribbeanians are never punctual but intelligent you must forget these facts. Just ignore them. Fight stereotypistism! Asian, Black, White. Dancing/non dancing: that's all you need to know.

9. In dramas, ethnic minorities must always be on the right side of the law. However, they must always be victims. This is for their own good. Because of this however, they will never become of the hero of the plot - that will always be the white guy, as usual.

10. We must never acknowledge people's opposition to large scale immigration. Instead we must twist the argument by saying that right wing politicians are playing on people's fear of immigration. This subtly puts the blame on right wingers for stirring up trouble and neatly side-steps the real issue.


Talk Northern

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